Writer's Block: Good Morning Heartache

What is something you worry about everyday? How long has it been plaguing you? Do you think you'll ever overcome it?

I'm 24 years old and have never been in love.
It was somewhat devastating to realize that I was not in love with my boyfriend, nor was it going to happen. Everyday I worry that I am cold; all head and no heart, and I am not equipped or capable of this "falling in love" phenomenon. My envy for people who know what it is to be in love has bred into a distaste for the phrase and the concept itself.

Will I overcome it? I've had a strange intuition for a while now that I will fall in love unexpectedly in my 40's. But that's a long time to wait to figure out what it feels like.

Writer's Block: Places to Lay Your Head

How many different places (cities, houses, apartments, dorm rooms, etc.) have you lived in? Which is your favorite? And your least favorite?

Born: Gaithersburg, Maryland. Lived there till I was some number of months old, no memory.
Chapel Hill, North Carolina: Lived there till age 2? Again, no memory.
Manchester, Connecticut: Raised! Lived in my home. Also lived in apartment with Dad, then condominium with Dad.

Never lived in a college dorm or on my own.

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Sunday May Therd: Still sick with a cold, mostly just the disgusting hacking flegmy cough.
-Took the puppies out to pee.
Dropped off $90 check @ Dad's
-Went to BestBuy and got a webcam. The cheapest one they had was 40 bucks. yikes, Buuut it works awesome and Im very pleased. It's very clear, there's a built-in microphone and I can take pics and record videos. Woo hoo
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    sick sick

Interesting Finds

Wasabi fire-alarm (Japanese) Spray cans dispense the odor of horseradish to awaken deaf people from their sleep.

Jewel-Eye (Netherlands) Watched the "instructional" (?...!)surgery video. Eeeeeesh. A small piece of platinum jewelry is inserted into the sclera.

The Wasp Knife-A small canister of compressed gas inside the handle delivers a bolus of gas when the knife penetrates the skin. The expanding gas creates a zone of deadly cold, freezing vital organs. This weapon was developed to kill animals quickly when threatened in the wild; now, it has found its way into Britain.

Science Fiction News
  • Current Music
    Cindy Lauper-Shine-Water's Edge

Just when you thought they couldn't get any weirder...

It seems I am constantly discovering new secrets, new pictures and tidbits of info on Rasputina when I'm convinced I know just about everything there is to know!

Melora just revealed in a recent interview after *11 years*, that Carpella Parvo was a fictious bandmember who never existed. She is credited in "Thanks for the Ether" for playing cello, and many people (including me) identified that name with the woman standing to the left of Melora inside the CD cover. That woman is actually Agnieszka Rybska, who IS credited in the Special Thanks section on the CD, I guess for appearing in the photoshoot, since she did not contribute musically to the album. (who knows why.)
Carpella's name was a play on "carpal tunnel syndrome" since Melora and Julia gave themselves carpal tunnel by playing the parts of the third-chair.

Melora's words were: "On the first record, Carpella Parvo. [Julia] Kent and I just made that up. Carpella was like carpal tunnel, because we gave ourselves carpal tunnel playing the other parts."

For years Carpella has been listed (and STILL is) under the Lost Souls section of their website as "The Mystery Girl. If anyone hears from her, let us know."!

Mel and Julia had us worrying about a missing person who was never even alive!

Leave it to Melora.

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    shocked shocked


I don't really care for facebook. It's the new rage I think, cause I found all the St. James people on there, and none of them on MySpace. But ppl have been saying they like facebook better. I don't think one is better, they're just different. Facebook is too sterile and formal for my taste. It's actually kinda boring. MySpace may be a bit juvinelle, but at least it's fun and personable. You can at least put up music tracks and design backgrounds and get a little weird on there.
Well, from my last blog, things have changed. I don't* enjoy having a bunch of things to do. I am so sick of school, and dangerously unmotivated. It's my third year, I was planning on graduating this May up until a few hours ago. My Biology professor recommends withdrawl to anyone who's average is in the 40's, which of course is me. I think it's a 44. Low indeed. I tell myself I don't care so it doesn't hurt as much, but I do, but at the same time, I just let it all go without really making an effort. I don't know why. I'm afraid for my college education, if I don't snap out of this 'senioritis' type stage.
Anyway, I submitted my graduation application for MCC in early March (like a good girl, I applied early) And finally fired off my application for Fall 2007 admission into CCSU in March also. (took my exactly 1 year to get the goddamned thing done.) So I'm flunking shit left and right. 40's on Math tests, 2 out of 10 on an Economics test, I just did not do one of the major writing assigments for American Lit, and I'm pretty sure Im the only one, and Biology, I'll probably have to withdraw from which means, no graduation which means incredible wrath from dad which means stress for me, and something's wrong with me. And its scary cause I do and don't wanna fix it at the same time.
Maybe I'm depressed again. The last thing I wanna do is up my dose of Prozac and see a therapist again. I wanted to get off that stuff for good last year, it made me fat. Also what brings me down. I've packed on a lot of pounds, and while I'm not technically fat, I'm a little meaty for my body frame, and it shows, and I fucking hate it when people around me lie to make me feel better instead of just admitting the plain Obvious truth. I said to Katie, carefully choosing my words, that "I know I'm not fat*" BUT if I was "sort of getting chubby" Her reply was devastating. She said: "Jessie, your not fat!" That was the worst answer I could have gotten. That meant a big fat yes, you are are*** kind of getting a little chubby, because she did not answer the question. Rather she told me what I already knew was true, to aviod answering what she obviously thought was a "yes".
There was also a Christmas picture of me and Alex that we all looked at last year. For some reason, I looked really*** heavy. Like 15 more pounds than I already am.. And I said, God shrink I look so fat in that picture. And I did. I just plain fucking did. It was UNdeniable. There was a very silent pause as Mom and Katie realized how heavy I did look, and said, "No you don't" in quiet, painfully unconvincing voices. A real friend would just say, "Yeah Jess. You look heavy in this pic. But don't worry cause you don't look that heavy in real life."
THAT'S what I would like to fucking hear just for once, instead of wracking my brain trying to decide whether I look overweight or not.
I finally found Sarah and Amanda and Kaitlyn and there all still friends with eachother expect for me. It's amazing. And after having so many intense, realistic elaborate dreams about becoming friends again, it makes really finding them kind of surreal and strange. I hope I can get out of this frightening funk I am in. Has it become me, or am I surrending to an extinguishable feeling? I'm not at ease.
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    distressed distressed

(no subject)

Okay. Math ends Thursday. Co-op class starts Wednesday. We only meet 7 times, it ends in August, so no big deal at all. I just hope I don't have to complete 150 hours at the JI before the class is over.. that wouldn't be fair..
Anyway- I sort of like having a mess of things to do. Stuff scattered places, mental lists of chores, maybe writing stuff on my hand. It keeps me busy, and maybe after the flurry of obligations I finally won't have any more shit to do, with semester-sign-ups, isolated classes, scheduling and all that bull. I'll just cruise in Central for two solid years, and that will be my life... and work.
Right now it's the Math course M-Th 8-9:55, Co-op course W 4-6 for 6 weeks, still Fashion Bug part-time, JI Th/F 10-2.
I have to square up with dad as far as money goes, return crap at AJ Wright, deposit my paycheck (I still* feeling like I'm missing one...) Have dad attach my right blinker light, clean-sweep my room, talk to a counselor and sign up for Fall 2006, stop at the Antiques place and ask where Serene Scapes went cause mom let my 70 bucks go down the drain.
bla bla bla bla

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It was quite a long day at the JI. I hate it there. I sat in a chair so uncomfortable for 4 hours I felt like I had my fucking period afterwards cause of the backache. Elaine just sat me in front of the computer with a few papers on this General Rochambeau March parade crap and I tried to put together some stuff...... for four hours. She didn't even tell me whether or not I was writing a story or not. She said "read these over" and I did.. several times, cause it was still "deadline" for her and she gives me very little attention and guidance. She was on edge. A woman asked her something and she put her fingers to her temples and said "Can you just give me 5 seconds?"
I decided to just start writing like a brief on it anyways cause there was nothing else to do and then it became something I was supposed to be doing somehow...
We're so awkward around each other, I don't know if she cares for me that much. She asked if I brought along a sweater and I nicely told her no, that what I was wearing was kinda like one and she just paused and said "We'll see." Like she was pissed. I don't care for her all that much. She's very officey. Plump with a telephone voice and chatty, and she just looks like someone Mom would describe at March.
The day sucked because I woke up* at 7:30 am and didn't have time to eat any breakfast before class. Chris was late too though, so it was all good. I sort of rushed my exam cause like an idiot*** I said I'd come in Thursdays from 10-2. Math class doesn't get out until 9:55. What the fuck? I didnt think I was that stupid.
We had an exam and I don't think I did that well on it. I'm guessing 71.. I'd be pleased if it was in the 80's. I think there'll be a curve, cause I know I'm not the only one who got stuck. The 50-year old guy who always gets frustrated was sighing the whole time and then stormed out of class, and it didn't look like he even handed in his test first. Chris was looking at him when he left. That weird girl with the big chest and the crooked leg who always comes in late I know* couldn't have done that well, cause she's not there a lot and she was asking him a lot of questions. I asked if he had any extra pencils before we started (I was so prepared) And he scrunched up his face and shook his head. I never noticed how amazingly blue his eyes were. Or green, but they're very bright and they almost look like contacts, cause the rest of his complexion is dark brown like mine. I wanted to ask him a question (Which P do we solve for?) but my breath was too bad. Then I got lost taking the Woodbridge street to the JI (which of course it didn't lead to) So I had to turn around and start over from the Middle Tpk West intersection. I was afraid I'd be late so I didn't stop for something to eat. I went hungry from 7-2. Gawd. I hope it gets better there. I'm not crazy about the atmosphere, the pointless and boring work I'm doing so far.

However, she did say "Oh thats a good outfit" when I came in and said "I know you're eager to start" or something, probably cause I came in 15 mins early. I've got the internship stuff for her to read over and sign tomm. I hope she doesnt get irritated. If she's stiiiill on deadline forget it. Only 146 more hours to go.
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    tired uck

(no subject)

Ok- Still in MAT 095 course. Ends June 29th

Still working at Fashion Bug part-time

Start working tomorrow as an intern for the Journal Inquirer. Elaine Sabo has a story for me to work on about Rochambeau's March in town.

Have to take a co-op class in conjunction with the internship. I need 150 unpaid hours and a passing grade in the course to get the credit.

I'm wary of having to throw all this stuff at Elaine that she has to read and approve and sign. I didn't tell her anything about getting credit towards my degree with this when she talked to me. And it's from 10-2 on Thursdays and Fridays. Why did I do that?? My class doesn't get out technically until 9:55.
It's gonna be a bitch to rush to the JI straight from school. I'll have to get dressed all formally before I come to class, and it's hot as hell in the mornings and my AC sucks.

Not to mention I have to register for fall semester and figure out what I should take besides Quantitative Literacy so I have to talk to a counselor and then pray to sweet jesus my 2.19 gpa won't present a problem in being accepted, cause if it is, I'm fucked.
But happy thoughts..

Sent : Thursday, April 27, 2006

Yeah, I feel like shit, Im not beating myself up. (I had told him not to beat himself up over it, so he's being sarcastic here) You said you wanted to see more of me than that, and that was hard for me to send but not hard cause I felt a trust and security because of what we said and how we talk. I feel so fckn stupid, I have never done anything like that in my life. You have every right to feel the way you do because you cant help the way you feel, but so do I. God I wanted to make you happy and it blew up huge. I might not be around for a few days till my embarrasment wears off, I hope it does.