Well, from my last blog, things have changed. I don't* enjoy having a bunch of things to do. I am so sick of school, and dangerously unmotivated. It's my third year, I was planning on graduating this May up until a few hours ago. My Biology professor recommends withdrawl to anyone who's average is in the 40's, which of course is me. I think it's a 44. Low indeed. I tell myself I don't care so it doesn't hurt as much, but I do, but at the same time, I just let it all go without really making an effort. I don't know why. I'm afraid for my college education, if I don't snap out of this 'senioritis' type stage.
Anyway, I submitted my graduation application for MCC in early March (like a good girl, I applied early) And finally fired off my application for Fall 2007 admission into CCSU in March also. (took my exactly 1 year to get the goddamned thing done.) So I'm flunking shit left and right. 40's on Math tests, 2 out of 10 on an Economics test, I just did not do one of the major writing assigments for American Lit, and I'm pretty sure Im the only one, and Biology, I'll probably have to withdraw from which means, no graduation which means incredible wrath from dad which means stress for me, and something's wrong with me. And its scary cause I do and don't wanna fix it at the same time.
Maybe I'm depressed again. The last thing I wanna do is up my dose of Prozac and see a therapist again. I wanted to get off that stuff for good last year, it made me fat. Also what brings me down. I've packed on a lot of pounds, and while I'm not technically fat, I'm a little meaty for my body frame, and it shows, and I fucking hate it when people around me lie to make me feel better instead of just admitting the plain Obvious truth. I said to Katie, carefully choosing my words, that "I know I'm not fat*" BUT if I was "sort of getting chubby" Her reply was devastating. She said: "Jessie, your not fat!" That was the worst answer I could have gotten. That meant a big fat yes, you are are*** kind of getting a little chubby, because she did not answer the question. Rather she told me what I already knew was true, to aviod answering what she obviously thought was a "yes".
There was also a Christmas picture of me and Alex that we all looked at last year. For some reason, I looked really*** heavy. Like 15 more pounds than I already am.. And I said, God shrink I look so fat in that picture. And I did. I just plain fucking did. It was UNdeniable. There was a very silent pause as Mom and Katie realized how heavy I did look, and said, "No you don't" in quiet, painfully unconvincing voices. A real friend would just say, "Yeah Jess. You look heavy in this pic. But don't worry cause you don't look that heavy in real life."
THAT'S what I would like to fucking hear just for once, instead of wracking my brain trying to decide whether I look overweight or not.
I finally found Sarah and Amanda and Kaitlyn and there all still friends with eachother expect for me. It's amazing. And after having so many intense, realistic elaborate dreams about becoming friends again, it makes really finding them kind of surreal and strange. I hope I can get out of this frightening funk I am in. Has it become me, or am I surrending to an extinguishable feeling? I'm not at ease.