jaces email

sorry but I cant take back that video and i dont think i would even though im extremely hurt and embarrased. kinda shows me that we arent on the same page. if you sent me that i would be so excited and happy i would faint, im not saying that you are suppose to be the same but i assumed you were by the way I took this part out cuz its personal), i thought that it was nothing to send that but exciting. I went from no shirt, to boxers, to feeling myself with boxers..whats after that? I am so glad i didnt do what we thought of. but i may as well have because i replay it in my head and it feels like i sent that to my mother or something and i have to talk to her the next day, i wouldnt be able to look her in the eyes or even say a thing. If you sent me that and i said what you did you would be the exact same way or even worse. my heart is heavy even saying this shit because its to you. maybe we will talk some time..fck im going to miss you.

(no subject)

A History of Violence- SUCKED

It was so Unrealistic with the high-school aged kid. He catches a ball in gym class. Big deal. Then the Ken-doll-looking jock comes along and threatens him (?? cause of catching a ball??) and the kid defends himself with his geeky smarts. The jocks sidekicks laugh, but when he turns around their smiles fade. C"MON!!! It was the most unrealistic and stereotypical highschool scenario I'd ever seen. And **Nobody** takes gym class that seriously.
And the husband and wife (I laughed* when she came out in the cheerleading outfit) screw eachother and she's like "You're the best* man I've ever* known." Could we get anymore OBVIOUS with the FORESHADOWING? Ok, so now we've randomly established love, peace, and romance to make the inevitable badness hit us harder. whatever

why are people so mean?

I was running around all day at work, doing putbacks, cleaning, vacuuming, and customers were difficult. Difficult because I found myself dealing with same bullshit over and over again, I'm getting jaded to this, I'm losing my patience and politeness for customers. One bitch mom had a cash refund and I had to go through the fucking list of questions to complete the return. What's your first name? And your last? And your address? By the time I got to that one, she gave me the attitude, flatly and annoyed she said "What do you need that for?" If I had no limitations I would have gotten right in her face and said FUCK YOU
You think your the victim here, poor thing having to open your mouth and answer a few simple questions while I do all the work, cringing at your reaction to everything I ask cause it's the FUCKERS like you who make my job stressfull. Of course I blubbered: "It's for the return. It's just- It's cause it's a cash refund." She bitchily, tiredly gave me the address and I just made up the zip. I didn't DARE ask her another question. 4 digits is too much to ask from her.
Working so hard, watching me type away and bag her shit, with a million other things to do, listen to her bitch to her kids, the white trash jaded cunt. It embarasses me when people yell at their kids. One second your smiling at them cause they're cute or nice and then through grit teeth: JEREMY! STOP* THAT I SAID NO!!! Ummmm awkward silence following mom's explosion...
.. uh-heh.. ..... I don't ever wanna be a mom, if it means turing into that*.
Towards the long-awaited and deserved end-of-the-day, I was sweating and vaccuming the floors. The bell rang and I heard "Excuse me" (uhhhh, can't they see I'm busy) It was Katie and Nadia. They just stopped in, giggled and left. I was uncomfortable cause I looked and felt shitty. Another woman bitched about a coupon. Explained her side all fast: "The girl told me yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada They changed their policy??" I had enough. I dinged for Alex and she made me feel stupid by telling me what I already knew like I was fucking clueless (I know they think Im stupid there) And I didn't say anything. I couldn't say in front of the customer: "I know I couldn't use the coupon on Priced Just Right, but I did it anyway*** Alex, cause she's one of thoooosee*." I was afraid she'd start bitchin at me if I had the galls to ruin her day by telling her I couldn't give her the coupon on one item. Like I make up the fucking rules grandma. Bitch. Then a woman called saying (Lelia) forgot to give her 15.61 in change. Damn.) Alex said she got the money later and I said how did you know she didn't get her change? Alex looked up at me, just with her eyes, and in that fucking condescending tone said "Because the register came up exactly* Fifteen dollars and Sixty One cents over." "Ohh ok, nevermind." I said humorously like I was the dumb one. "I didn't know you had counted down the register." Fuck. I just didn't know you did a draw audit yet, don't talk to me like I've had a fucking lobotomy bitch. Christ. I never give the response I want to. I'm sick of people walking all over me. FUCKing sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated


Spring Break is over. It wasn't relaxing or fun or anything. Just a week off for me to sleep in and do nothing and think a lot. I did go to North Hampton with Dad, Kate & Anjee and tried to be a normal, fun person. My stomach is getting bigger everyday. And I've almost given up trying to dress myself to hide my bad points. I've been working on trying to get a normal sleep schedule going. I took PM's maybe half an hour ago. It's complicated cause I have to take it late cause I'm used to going to bed late & I don't want it to wear off. But I want to go to sleep earlier, but more importantly I need to stay* asleep or else I'll wake up at 10 rested, but still tired (?) and stay up until 2 am then force myself to bed. whatever. Sherri said I seem so much more comfortable around the customers when I worked 11-7 (wow) on Saturday. I suppose I was, but after a few busy hours with people you get comfortable doing anything. I didn't stop ringing for hours. I am doing better with charges. I'm buying clothes more frequently, not like it will fill in a void. I am not a pretty girl. I'm an empty, fargone one who could never have a normal boyfriend or relationship., Despite mom's ranting to various young men around Manchester. Oh boy. If they knew what they were getting into. In the evening I was with Dee and the retarted/crazy man who called came in with a sock-stuffed bra and Dee was petrified of him, understandably. That's not normal. I am in the last level of SuperMario World Craig got me. I'm starting to understand his nostalgia. I like the music in SuperMario 2 much better though. It's classic. I'm at Bowser's "Front Door" and have lost ambition to beat this level cause there are 8 doors so far, and it's a maze and impossible to beat, they don't give you any mushrooms. I'll have to get another game. A project for me, like Max's occasional bones. Something to distract me and little goal to work towards at night when I'm the only one awake, like now.

(no subject)

I am genuinely pleased to have a light, modestly sized chest. I feel blessed. It suits me in a number of ways. Firstly, anything larger than what I have now would disfigure me. I am short, petite, and slender (for the most part :|) Secondly, I like dressing alternatively. I often like to conceal that fact that I have boobs sometimes. (And guess what, I still* get hit on. GASP! Impossible!) I want to look like a person*, not a giirrl. Besides, I can put the focus on my waist, or my butt if I want to. I love feeling light and airy and free of male gawking, sexual harrassment and having to put back tops cause they just won't hang right.
I have realized that throughout my life, I (and others) have perceived girls who are top heavy but otherwise slim, as being fat. Their chest makes them look heavy, or heavier than they are, and that's a shame. Plus, as everyone knows, it's all anybody* can look at. Woman, man, boy or girl.
I'm so thankful I don't have these unsightly cow tits to carry around for the rest of my life. I actually think it's unfair (among many other aspects of being female) to have to haul around these lumps of tissue and fat, all so we can breastfeed a baby one day, that is if we choose to breastfeed, or if we even HAVE a child! Meanwhile, the straps are leaving their marks on our shoulders, we can't find the perfect size, it's cold outside and it shows*, pre-pubescent girls are going crazy with impatience, they hurt every month when Aunt Flo comes to town, old-lady sagging jokes circulate on the net between young people, implants get infected, and we can't even run, jump, or bend over without the fact of our cursed anatomy obnoxiously obvious in everyone's face. I'm not even going to begin discussing what it must be like for a very overweight woman hauling jumbo melons around. I could go on and on. I know, I know, who can I blame, God? Yeah, actually I do. Although my anger has no reasonable place to ventilate, I realize you just have stick a lot of things out that can't be changed. But fuck that, I'm still pissed and I stand by my beliefs.
Another lovely quality of females, at least in this culture, is the weapon of subtelty. It's not loud, messy and visible like a gunshot. It's not explosive and pervasive like a bomb. It's like someone slipping a needle into your vein and no one but the injector is aware of your pain. It stings. It's silent. and concealed.

I have the pleasure of working with all women at my job. To use cliche, backstabbing, gossipy, catty bitchy women. Not all of them. But some. But lets analyze what makes that quality so maddening.
You do your job. You say what is required of you. Ang says "How you doin'?" "I'm fine thanks." The words come out like they're supposed to but the meaning is totally absent. That's not what matters though. She said it. She's off the hook. But you are left with this unpleasant feeling settling itself inside you:

Is she mad at me? Why? Is she having a bad day? What's wrong? Am I too paranoid? I'm just paranoid. Does she want me to think I'm just paranoid. Oh just stop it..........................IS SHE MAD AT ME???!

The beauty of a punch or a scream is that it's concrete. She hit me. Here's the mark. He screamed at me. You heard it. Versus--- She's speaking strangely to me today like she has a grudge against me or something. The way*** someone said it, or the tone**, or the feeling* you got from it, or the vibe** are all, intangible, non-concrete, good-luck-arguing-your-point factors. They are just as strong, if not stronger than the easily described, unable to be manipulated, clear and punishable ways of being hurt, but yet there's little or nothing we can do about it.
I think about weird things no one else does. Like how fascinating it is to think that as Beethoven was composing his 5th Symphony; do you think he would have believed that decades later, what came from his own mind would be manifested in the form of a mocking, technological ringtone, on something called a "cell"? Think of all the crazy stuff that can spawn from things we don't even think about. My future babies will think of me when I was a teenager and want to revisit the past, which I am living now, except as the present. What are currently my ovaries, will become complex individuals with half my DNA wanting to see me in person at this moment, typing at the computer. What's spilled out into a maxipad every month could be my son! (fused with sperm ofcourse) What is soon to exist as a sophisticated, mesh of soul with specific destiny, unique brain, and developed body is no more than a microscopic speck in my organs, waiting for the sperm of my "soulmate" to help develop a human being. Call me crazy, but this is the reality of it. Kinda makes you wanna think twice about having a baby.

(no subject)

Fashion Bug got that song stuck in my head. I worked 10-5 today (pant pant) I was pleased to find out that everyone thought that was a long shift, it's not just low-endurance me. Once every few weeks I'll get a 7 hour shift and it's:Wow, thats a long day. But the majority of America works the Nine-Fiver. How do they do it? Unless they have desk jobs..
I started school Thursday the 19th, and just leave it to me, and my fate, to screw up something so simple, and encounter such sudden, profound, limitless complication over nothing. I don't ever remember starting school in the middle of the week before, so I followed my Monday/Wednesday schedule by mistake. I was in the right rooms, and the right times, just the wrong day*! My first class didn't have my name on the roster. My second class turned out to be Intro to College Reading/Writing, and it was "supposed" to be Modern China. I was utterly confused. So I found out what class I was supposed to be after I remembered what day of the friggin week I was in, and went there. Nobody's there! Go figure. I have the right room, the right time, ~AND~ the right day! What a novelty! But ironically, now that I have all the three things necessary to attend a class, there's no class going on... I figure several things. 1) Thursday is the LAB for Biology, and maybe the teacher wanted to start Tuesday with a regular class day, instead of a Lab first. 2) The class could have been on a break, since it is a three-hour long class, on Lab days that is.. However, I didn't see any backpacks in the room.. 3) They held class in the regular room, which would be the regular Bio class, not the Lab. 4) The students were let out early, since you can only introduce a class for so long.. On the other hand, the teacher could have started material right away like my Algebra teacher did.
Whew.. So those are my assumptions. I tried to email my teacher and explain all of this, but the intstructor's name on my schedule was different from the one in the catalog, so I didn't know who to email..
WHY must life be so difficult for me???
I took Moniques shift tomorrow 9:30-4, and really wish she hadn't asked me to do it. I worked 7 hours today and my legs felt like breaking when I got home. Tomorrow is a 6 1/2 hour day. I can't wait. I was gonna buy my schoolbooks tomorrow too, since my math homework is due tuesday. I need the book to do it. Mrs. Devlin goes way fast. I feel behind already. Discouraging. But I need the right attitude. I hope this semester isn't too miserable. That's all I'm shooting for; is a slack off of misery.
  • Current Music
    Switchfoot- When I look at the stars

(no subject)

I got into an accident today with an old Chinese man who didn't speak English. He was a delivery man from Ming Lao or something, kitchen. I didn't expect this at all. Reading my old entries, I realize that you really don't apprecitate how easy life is until something bad happens. I shouldn't be annoyed at having to work. I should be thankful I can just go to work in a safe undamaged car without the worry of insurance and police reports and talking to dad about it and paying huge amounts of money for repairs. I don't know whats gonna happen at this point.
I registed online at MCC for Spring 2006. I'm talking Intro to Computers, (gee that should be difficult) Intro to Biology, Modern China, and Algebra.
Wow only 8 days until I go back to school. So soon.

(no subject)

I just got home from the Bug, tired and kinda pissed off (but laughing at the same time) at Max who loves to make it so difficult for me to get him inside. Of course I can't just come home after work and sit down. The dog needs to go out. I take him out so much he runs right to me when he has to pee, even if someone else is right there holding his leash. I need a break from that.
Turns out I only had to work from 2:50-9:50, and I got a half hour break. I ate my "dinner" in the freezing cold car to spare some eating time and spilled Sprite in my lap. My legs hurt from standing on them all day. Tomorrow I'll finally get to register for this semester. I work 4-9:30 tomm, and I can't forget to pick up Monique at 3:50 cause she needs a ride!
Katie and I are going to watch some TV before she goes to bed while I violate the food group yet again today.
  • Current Music
    The Like- June Gloom

(no subject)

today katie and I watched 10 Things I Hate About You, with bulbous nosed, jowly faced Larisa Oleynik, and oh so enviable and cool Julia Stiles. And Heath Ledger, and Joseph Gordon Levitt, who is so sweet. My movie was Love Stinks, and wow does the title speak for the movie itself. I just wanted to see French Stewart out of his Harry shell, but he acted a lot like him throughout the movie. He cant get out of the squinting thing. I'm incredibly finnicky. For the past week I've wanted to watch nothing other than 3rd Rock and French Stewart, and now I have no desire to at all. I knew the fixation would fade out, but not die completely in one night. Maybe I've seen enough of him. Tomorrow I work 2-12 for inventory at the Bug. I've had 3 shifts off this week. One cause of the snow, and 2 cause the store was dead and they didn't need me. I got luucky**. Each time they called I figured it would be to ask if I could come in early. Not that I spent it doing anything fun or productive (except talking to an academic advisor, Finally, about transferring, and selling my books back.)
Oh yeah and Gabriel and Jacob and Elijah came over today with Matt. Gabriel is a good baby, and he smells like milk.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm

(no subject)

I'm now hooked on 3rd Rock and Harry Solomon. My classes Im hoping to get into are:
Algebra (I just can't wait)
Intro to Biology
Far Eastern Civilization (cool)
Intro to Computers

All for ECSU/CCSU credits of course. It's not for fun anymore..
  • Current Mood
    drunk french me french